Feeelwings

Wise People Consider Other People’s Feelings when they speak. James says, “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” (Jas 3:17)   We often react to what people say and not how they feel — or when we invalidate someone else’s feelings because we don’t feel that way ourselves.

We pay too much attention to someone’s words and not enough attention to the emotions behind the words. An example of this is when people say stuff when they’re angry that they don’t even mean. Even to the point of using words they don’t even intend to use.  We exaggerate things. This is where it gets tricky, because you need to look behind the words at the emotion. People don’t always say what they mean, but they always feel what they feel. Thus the tragedy of communication, and being closer to someone doesn't help.  Wisdom in a relationship, often demands that you stop focusing on what just ticks you off, and you start being considerate of what is being said and how. Then we have to learn to be mindful of the feelings and emotions swirling around both of those.  Unfortunately, it is the unkind person are those who need your kindness the most. When people are rude and unkind, they are screaming to the world, “I’m in pain!” whether they realize it or not.

We have a tendency to invalidate any feelings that we don’t feel ourselves as irrevelent.  This is when you believe something is dumb or irrational or illogical because it’s not what you would feel or say and you dismiss it. Can one person be cold and another be warm at the same time? Yes. So why try to argue people out of what they feel? It’s real to them, even if it isn't to you. It is simply rude and inconsiderate on our part to invalidate someone else’s feelings because we don’t feel it. We minimize the other person and are no longer their friend, but their judge.  If someone says “I feel ugly,” don’t dismiss it and say, “You’re not ugly!” That doesn’t help. What you need to do ask is, “Why would you feel that? What would make you say that?” because you need to look beyond the words and get to the real issue.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They’re just what they are. We shouldn’t have to defend our feelings but at the same time that doesn't give us the right to feel that I can infringe on or invalidate another because of my own feelings. That is why James states, “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” (Jas 3:17). It is with God' eyes, feelings, and voice that we can stop minimizing other people’s feelings. You will let them feel tired when they say they're tired and not try to talk them out of it. You will let a person feel depressed when they say they're  depressed and not try to talk them out of it. Wise people are considerate of other people’s feelings.

What habits do you need to change or adopt to become more considerate of others feelings and not just their words?

Jim